Every couple I have ever joined in marriage were sure they were in love. I’m sure that is the case with most every couple who has ever been married. So why did many of these couples end their marriage in divorce?
It could be that we don’t really know what love is.
New Testament words for love
The New Testament uses several words for love from the Greek language.
- storge – affection demonstrated in families. It is only used in a negative sense in the NT and is translated in the ESV as “heartless.”
- philia – the love of friendship. It the loves that exists between people because of their association with one another e.g. brotherly love.
- eros – a love that seeks satisfaction wherever it can. It is a love that captivates. This loves sees desirable traits in another and moves to satisfy its hunger. It is a sensual love. Eros see the value in an object and seeks that object with all of its might. This was the highest type of love for the Greek philosophers.
- agape – Paul and the other NT writers choose this little used word to signify the love God has for us and we are to have for others. agape love bestows value on an object, simply because it is loved by the subject. This is what is known as unconditional love.
The Elements of Love
Dr. Robert Sternberg, formerly of Yale University, has given us some help in understanding love and his description fits well into a biblical framework. Dr. Sternberg discovered that love involves three elements:
Passion is the motivational side of love. It gives us the urge to pursue someone. It is the sensual side of love.
Intimacy is the emotional side of love. This is where know the person. They become our soul-mate or best friend. Intimacy fills our deepest desires for closeness and acceptance.
Commitment is the cognitive, willful side of love. This is where love looks to the future and promises to be there no matter what. It anchors of love with passion burns low and difficult times come. This is the side of love that is celebrated in the marriage ceremony.
The goal of any marriage is to hold each of these in balance. There maybe times when there is fluctuation in these areas, but it is the presence of each of them that holds love strong and keeps a couple working in the marriage.
Challenge
The challenge for this week is to grow in each of these areas.
Passion: find ways to deliberately move toward you mate. Rehearse again in your mind what it was that first drew you to each other.
Intimacy: Reconnect to each other. Create a safe place in your relationship without criticism, ridicule and invalidation. Then deliberately share with each other you hopes, dreams and even your fears. Ask questions with curiosity and wonder.
Commitment: find ways to reaffirm your commitment to one another. You both stood before god and made vows to, “love… comfort… honor …and keep one another In sickness and in health, And forsaking all others.” You also promised to:
To have and to hold
From this day forward,
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
Until we are parted by death.
Did you mean it? Are you a person of your word? Then do what it takes to make your commitment firm and clear.
This is the way God loves us. God loves us with passion, intimacy and commitment. And because he loves us this way we can love others that way!