Reflect and Renew

The Blog of Pastor Alan Cassady

Category: Relationships

Prejudice

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On August 7, 2012

In Discipleship, Observations, Relationships

prejudice_is_ignoranceWhen I was in high school that word had one basic connotation – racial prejudice. In the deep south the emotions ran deep and often erupted in violence. I would often hear people say things like, “He’s black, but he is a good worker.” right away you could tell what side of the racial divide the speaker was on.

I have recently discovered that prejudice extends to other areas as well. Even people who are educated and progressive often operate out of stereotypes and prejudice rather than listening to what a person is really saying. “Oh, they are only saying that because they are _________________” (fill in the blank with Liberal, Republican, Latino, Conservative, etc.) Not necessarily.

In politics, if you don’t agree with the party in power, you are partisan and just making political decisions. If some one uses a specified code word, they are automatically in lock step with the worst imaginable element of society that just happens to use that word as well.

If a person questions a particular interpretation of Scripture, that person is automatically accused of either liberalism or fundamentalism, depending on the topic, and then all of the negative assumptions about the extremes are attributed to that person. This really makes honest discourse difficult.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have been on both sides of this prejudice. I have made snap judgments and snap judgments have been made about me. When I have been on the “victim” side of the equation I find myself wondering, “how did they get that from what I said?” The answers is preconceived perceptions.

I think the only way to counter this tendency in all of us remember some very important things:

  1. Remain open minded and don’t assume the worse. If you disagree with a person’s position on an issue, seek understanding. Don’t automatically assume you know the person’s complete position, simple because they use a particular word that other more radical persons might use.
  2. Remain teachable. We could all be wrong! Just because I have deeply held beliefs does not mean I am correct. When disagreements occur deal with the issues and evidence—don’t commit the genetic fallacy which condemns a view because of where it came from.
  3. Remain humble. None of us are as smart as we would like to think and all of us have huge gaping holes in our understandings. The only way I know of to keep learning is to be humble enough to examine the evidence. that goes for “yellow dog Democrats” and “Red dog Republicans.”
  4. Seek the truth no matter what. The issue is not, “can I argue the other person into submission,” but am I authentically seeking the truth. If I honestly seek the truth, I may discover that many of my pet views are based more on little more than emotion or political correctness. This point has come home as I have watched all the political rhetoric recently. No matter what news show you watch, the bias is very evident and the real causality is the truth.

…and heaven too!

By

On March 20, 2011

In Observations, Relationships, Theoloical Thoughts

I had an interesting conversation with a physician on Saturday. I went in for some help with my allergies. As I always do I took a book with me to read while Ia waited.

My conversation with this physician lasted all of 1 minute (you know what it is like in the examining room). After he gave me some prescriptions he asked my why I was a Christian since there were all kinds of religions out there. I said that I had come to believe that Christianity was true. He asked, “How can you say that when people of other religions claim that their way is true, after all they are all just people who think they something about God"?

I said that a lot of people have notions about the world and God, but they can’t all be true. Some people think you can cure diabetes with roots and herbs, but that doesn’t mean it is true. I have come to see that the worldview of the Bible is the only one that makes sense out of life and if you always seek the truth you will find it leads you to Christ.

He asked another question which is the motivation for this post: “Why do you want to go to heaven, when you get there, there is nothing to do?”

That is the one thing that most people boil Christianity down to, going to heaven. We go to heaven, preach the gospel and spend all kinds of money so we can get people into heaven.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to go to heaven and I agree with Paul that, “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied” (1 Cor 15:19).

But I am a Christian not just because of heaven. I am a Christian because of what Christ has done in me and because of what he makes possible in this world. I am a Christian because

  • I have been freed from the guilt of my past and given a new life
  • Through Christ every relationship in my life can be better
  • Through Christ I can offer hope to others
  • Through Christ I can be healed in many spheres of my life
  • The Christian worldview makes the most sense of the world
  • It lifts up the dignity of every human being
  • Because it is true

I am a Christian for all of these reasons and more and in addition to all of this there is heaven too!!

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The Brady Bunch

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On March 7, 2011

In Relationships, Sermons

image

The Brady Bunch made Blended families look easy, but we know better.

The following is a few pointer from my final sermon in the series, All in the Family.

At the end of the post is the link to a website which is very helpful and also some pointers from my wife Penny.

Marriage and Remarriage Statistics

• Statistically, 40% of first marriages, 60% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

• 38 of every 100 marriages today is a remarriage for one or both partners.  Of the remarriages, 23 are a remarriage for both persons

• At least two-thirds of stepfamily couples divorce (Hetherington, For Better for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002).

• About 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry.  (U.S. Census, 2006)

• Most couples in stepfamilies don’t seek premarital preparation.

Cohabitation Stats

Many couples resort to living together to avoid the problems of marriage, it doesn’t work. When the break-up occurs you still have all of the emotional pain of divorce. Studies have shown that cohabitation:

  • Increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. Why?
    • The same characteristics that make certain people most likely to enter cohabitation also make them most likely to divorce.
    • They generally have individualistic attitudes that make them less committed to marital union in the first place and more likely to seek divorce
    • They are conditioned to accept divorce more readily.
  • Increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
  • Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.
  • One study found only about 12% of cohabitations are expected to last ten years. 90% of first marriages are expected to last this long
  • The majority of cohabitation relationships terminate within three years.

Children of Divorce and Remarriage

  • 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and, thus, form stepfamilies.
  • More than 1 million children are affected by divorce each year (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006).
  • 40% of children will witness their parents divorce before reaching adulthood (Amato, 2000).
  • Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood. (Discovery Health Website)

Many people think that if they are having problems in their marriage, divorce is the answer, again and again. In most of those cases, they end up divorcing again because they never dealt with their own issues in the divorce. People naturally assume that the divorce was the other person’s fault and never face their own contribution to the break up.

Given that 75% of people who divorce will re-marry what can we do to build better blended families?

Wisdom from Penny

  • PRAY Pray Pray & listen
  • When moving into a house hold
    • Make changes slowly
    • Try to keep the same traditions-holidays and birthdays while creating some new ones
    • Get others input when moving things
  • When someone is moving into your household
    • Let them have some space that is theirs . No one wants to feel like a visitor at their home
  • Concerning Discipline
    • BEFORE marriage Discuss discipline styles with spouse to be. Come to agreement on how you together will handle discipline,
    • Extremely important- If you cannot agree before marriage, it is unlikely you will afterward. You may need to consider postponing marriage. Never go into a marriage expecting to change someone.
    • BEFORE the Marriage Learn about the children, spend time with them at their current house
    • I recommend having the Parent (not step parent) handle any consequences of bad behavior. This of course may vary depending on age of the kids.
    • If you disagree about the consequences never say that in front of the children
  • Respect
    • Respect the pain the kids have –they did not cause nor deserve the disruption of their family
    • Never disrespect the ex-spouse
    • Encourage/support the kids relationship with the Ex and their side of family
    • Don’t be jealous
    • Don’t manipulate
    • Apologize- there will be time when you mess up, make mistakes
  • Security is a big issue when children have experienced divorce or death in the family.
    • Understand that the children need the security of a loving home

Successful Step-Families website

In-Laws and Out-Laws

By

On March 1, 2011

In Family, Relationships, Sermons

Here are the suggestions I spoke about in the sermon All in the Family: In-Laws and Out-Laws along with a link to the articles I used. The Scriptural Context is Romans 12:14-21

Guidelines for Relationships with In-Laws

For both

  • Exhibit Christian character and civility (These are the basics owed to everyone)
  • Respect each other
    • Respect is due regard for the feelings or rights of another
    • Ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say going to encourage and build up the other person, or tear him or her down?"
  • “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” yes even with in-laws.
  • Be considerate. Have the courage to admit it when you are wrong. Avoid ridicule and don’t humiliate or demean the other person.
  • Accept kindness from others and let others be nice to you.
  • 1 Cor 13 is not just for weddings

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (ESV) — 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  • Be proactive. Do what you can to build the relationship.
  • Refocus your perspective by looking for the positive.
    • When you keep civility a high priority in your extended family relationships, it becomes easier to focus on another effective way of dealing with anger and frustration — remaining calm.
  • Accept reality.

For the couple

  • Support one another, your loyalties are to each other not to your parents. Don’t side with your parents against your spouse.
  • There will be conflict! How you handle it is key.
  • Honor the parents
    • Show patience, kindness, gentleness. You may not even like them, but you need to choose to act in a loving manner toward them.
  • Respect and Honor does not mean
    • You submerge all your own feelings, desires, preferences, and needs in the service of
    • "Doing things their way."
    • You must permit them to disrespect, control, or manipulate you for their own selfish ends.
    • Obeying all their "parental" requests or requirements— which, in some instances with some in-laws, may get pretty crazy.
  • Sometimes the most honoring response is to diplomatically but firmly say, "No." Letting in-laws split, manipulate, or control you by silently acceding to their nutty, neurotic, inappropriate demands isn’t necessarily showing Christian love.
  • Don’t disrespect and criticize your parents or in-laws in front of your children

For parents

  • Don’t give advice unless the young couple specifically asks for it. Even if they ask your opinion, be careful how the counsel is given. The decision is theirs.
  • Don’t offer financial aid unless the young couple explicitly requests it. It is important for the couple to establish their independence – emotionally and financially. As difficult as it may be to watch your child and his or her spouse face financial struggles, realize that those trials are valuable for them as they develop their life together.
  • Don’t make the holidays a nightmare. You have traditions and so do the other in-laws. To conform to your wishes means disappointing the others. “Do unto others….”
  • Don’t expect the new couple to live according to your standards and values. They are individuals starting their own home.
  • Let go of your offspring, giving the couple room to live their own lives. Don’t expect them to spend excessive amounts of time with you.
  • Take a genuine interest in your new in-law as a person. Try to find out about his or her interests. Attempt to relate to your in-law in a meaningful way and on his or her terms.
  • · Don’t treat your in-law as a rival who has stolen your child’s love. Welcome the new addition into your family – you’ll multiply the love, rather than divide it.

Conclusion

In Romans 12 Paul gives us some very good advice, not Just in how to conduct ourselves in the church but in every relationship.

  • Don’t think more of yourself than you should
  • We all have a contribution to make
  • Use the gifts you were given to encourage others
  • Let love be genuine
  • Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
  • Outdo one another in showing honor.
  • Be passionate about your service to the Lord
  • Be hopeful and patient
  • Always pray
  • Help others
  • Don’t take revenge on others or be underhanded in your criticism.
  • Empathize with others

However the most important advice he gave was this:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

  • If possible…
    • With some it may not be possible
    • Some people are small minded and self-centered
  • So far as it depends on you…
    • Be open minded – you could be wrong
    • Guard you own reactions and anger, they may be in appropriate
    • Control the things that you can control
    • Live your convictions, but don’t expect others to, or even agree with them
    • Show love and Christian character even when people don’t deserve it. (you don’t either)(that is grace)
    • In other words, be led by the Spirit
  • Live peaceably with all…
    • The goal in every relationship: harmony

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