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Intercessory Prayer

On April 3, 2019

After each stanza of this prayer, lift up the names of people you know who need prayer for the situation you mentioned.

God of love hear the cry of those who yearn for love;
fractured families, broken homes neglected, unwanted, alone.

God of justice hear the cry of those who yearn for justice;
persecuted and oppressed, exploited, ill-treated, broken.

God of peace hear the cry of those who yearn for peace;
in battle zones and broken states, frightened, fearful, anxious

God of healing hear the cry of those who yearn for healing;
physical and spiritual hurting, weakened, depressed

God of mercy hear the cry of those who yearn for mercy;
convicted, in need of your Grace, contrite, humble, bowed down,

May all these know
The peace of God
The love of God
The justice of God
The healing and mercy of God
This day and all days
Amen

https://re-worship.blogspot.com/2012/02/lent-intercessions.html

General Conference – Day 3

By admin

On February 25, 2019

In General Conference, Uncategorized

In today’s session, we dove into the details of the Traditional Plan, two petitions for disaffiliation and the One Church Plan.

It was disheartening to read a statement report in the United Methodist News service by Bishop Karen Oliveto. Bishop Oliveto, “who leads the Mountain Sky Conference and is the denomination’s first openly gay bishop, spoke to a gathering of LGBTQ saying “We are going to bring our love, our connection, our spirit, our joy because the church would die without us. Your life has meaning, your love inspires me, I keep going because you keep going” (UMNS Feb. 25, 2019, emphasis mine.) In my humble opinion, the vitality and life of the church are dependent on Jesus, the Lord of the Church, and not on any individual or group of individuals.

An attempt to postpone action on the Traditional plan failed, and the plan was debated and passed through the Legislative committee. An effort to reprioritize and delay discussion of the Traditional Plan (TP). The motion failed.

Several objections were raised which claimed that the Traditional plan was “not loving,” and “not of God.” These two objections, and others, claim to know what God wants apart from the Scripture. It is incredible that when traditionalists use arguments like this, they are criticized by progressives.

The assumption that the only loving thing is to allow a person to do whatever that person wants to do, but this is not the case. The word “no” is a loving response in many situations. I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-22). Sometimes the most loving thing you can tell a person is, no.

On a similar note, the word “harm” has been used extensively in these discussions. The notion that because certain people are not granted privileges, they have been harmed in some way is a typical charge against those who hold to more conservative viewpoints. Disagreement and a lack of endorsement are not harm. Harm is defined as physical or mental damage in the 11th edition of Webster’s Dictionary. John Wesley’s rules for his Societies were to Do no harm, do good and attend upon all the ordinances of God. Wesley had specific things in mind when he said: “do no harm” (see the full rule here). To disagree with a person or tell a person they are not eligible for a specific privilege is not doing harm.

I was disappointed that it seemed that proponents of the TP were unable to distribute supplemental materials. If, as Maxie Dunham stated, he was not allowed to present the additional materials until it was offered on the floor, why did the Secretary of the Conference say otherwise? I have sent that question to those in the know, hopefully, they will respond soon.

The Traditional Plan was criticized on the floor of Conference for being wholly unconstitutional; however, that is not the case. Out of the 16 petitions needed to implement the Traditional Plan 8 were deemed to be unconstitutional. These issues could be fixed with small adjustments just as supporters of the One Church Plan (OCP) did during the discussion of that plan.

When the OCP came up for a vote, they offered no less than four amendments to bring their petitions in line with the Constitution, but they criticized proponents of the Traditional plan for doing the same thing.

Two disaffiliation petitions or gracious exit petitions passed.

One argument for the OCP is that people in churches often disagree and are able to do ministry together. That is true, not everyone sees eye to eye in local churches, and yet ministry can still happen. It is one thing to have disagreements in a local church, it is another to enshrine those differences in denominational policies which seek to soften or deny the Scriptural teaching.

It was amazing to me that some of the most impassioned pleas against the OCP came from Russia, a nation that was officially atheistic not so long ago. While OCP proponents claim that their plan would not affect the Central (overseas) Conference, it was demonstrated that by changing the definition of marriage in the Social Principles would affect them.

Another plan which was debated was the Simple Plan. In essence, the Simple plan removes all prohibitions against same-sex issues and hope to level the field so the church can be fully inclusive. After abundant discussion and debate, the Simple Plan was rejected and will not be forwarded to the Plenary session of General Conference.

This ended the Legislative session, and tomorrow the decisions will be presented to the General Conference Plenary session for final action.

One note on tomorrows session: I understand we must vacate the arena promptly at 6:30 pm so the staff can begin hauling in dirt for a monster truck rally. No really!

General Conference – Day 2

By admin

On February 24, 2019

In General Conference, Uncategorized

We began this Sunday and the first legislative day of the Special Session of General Conference in Worship. Bishop Ken Carter of the Florida AC preached from Ephesians on being people of the cross and the flame.

Bishop Carter was one of three bishops assigned to the Commission on a Way Forward. He has been an ardent supporter of the One Church Plan.

His sermon was based on Ephesians 2:13ff. He began to talk about the goodness of our connection and the good that has been done through it. I, too, applaud all the UMC has been able to do because we are connected.

However, much of his sermon was a lesson in taking scripture out of context. When Paul said that Jesus had “broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us” (Ephesians 2:14) he was not talking about the divide that exists between those who differ on the issues of human sexuality. Human sexuality was a settled issue for Paul even though he lived in a sexually pluralistic society. He was talking about the division between Jew and Gentile.

The barrier refers to the wall of separation that existed in the temple to keep Gentiles from coming into the space allotted to the Jewish people. By implication, it could also refer to the barrier that sin erected between God and us, as Bishop Carter rightly stated, “God overcame the division of our sin and God’s holiness.”

He then seemed to scold those who support the traditional plan by saying that schism is never God’s plan for revival. That is hard to maintain when confronted with the Reformation and Wesley’s formation of the Methodist’s in America. Those who support the Traditional plan do not want schism, they want those who violate the Book of Discipline to be held accountable. The Discipline’s, which has been reaffirmed at every General Conference since 1972, reflects the teachings of the historic church down through the ages, while advocating the worth and dignity of every person. Are the schismatics those who live up to our common covenant or those who break the covenant? By the way, every person who has broken the covenant agreed that the church’s doctrine and polity were in line with Holy Scripture when they were ordained.

Bishop Carder asked the conference, “Have we done everything to maintain the unity of the Spirit?” It is a good question. We should bend over backwards to make sure we are not mean-spirited or unloving, but the unity of the Spirit is not the same as the unity of the institution. The Holy Spirit produces unity in the body of Christ as a natural byproduct of the Spirit’s presence, so we should do everything to maintain what the Spirit produces. However, the UMC is just one manifestation of the body of Christ, not the whole thing.

Report from the Commission on a Way Forward

The next two hours, at a minimum, was spent on hearing the report from the commission which brought us the three plans. After some general remarks, one person from the commission spoke and commended each plan: The One Church Plan, the Connectional Conference Plan, and the Modified Traditional plan. We should all be grateful for the work these individuals did with the task assigned to them.

The GC then began to prioritizing the work they would do in dealing with these plans and the additional petitions sent to the conference. Each plan or petition was presented to the Conference, and each delegate voted whether the item was a high priority or a low priority. The percentage of high priority votes an item received determined the order in which the item would be discussed in the legislative committee. While the list was exhaustive here are the highlights: the petitions from Wespath, dealing with pension issues received the highest percentage (64%) of high priority votes, followed by the Traditional Plan at 56% and two petitions for disaffiliation with the UMC (50% and 50% respectively). The One Church Plan came in fifth with 49% of the vote, followed by the Simple Plan (19%) and the Connectional Conference Plan (12%). The other petitions were scattered in the lower 15 items.

When these numbers were announced, I experienced a palpable silence in the arena as if people were surprised by the result.

The conference then elected leaders for the legislative committee of the whole to fine tune each of the items and recessed, to be reconvened as a legislative committee. During this break, a group of disillusioned advocates for LGBTQI persons began chanting in the lobby, “Hate divides!” Later about 20 of them walked through the Observer area chanting, “Hate divides, love provides.” The presiding bishop continued the work of the conference, and after a few minutes, the protesters were asked to leave by the ushers.

The Legislative committee dealt with the pension issue and then adjourned about 40 minutes early. The Traditional plan will be on the agenda the first thing in the morning. Worship is scheduled from 8:00 am to 8:20, and after a brief break, I assume the work will begin.

There is more I could write, but it is late, and I’m tired. So, till tomorrow…

General Conference: Prayer and Preparation

By admin

On February 23, 2019

In Uncategorized

The first official day of General Conference 2019 (GC) was a day spent in prayer and preparation. The bishops of the church led us in different forms of prayer. We heard prayers in several different languages. We sang or listened to hymns in different languages.

We prayed for delegates, for attendees, and consecrated prayer rooms. We prayed for various parts of the mission of the church. We submitted ourselves to God for the work to be done during the next few days. It was a good start.

It was cold and rainy when I arrived and immediately the delegates and observers were greeted by people supporting one or another agenda. Of course, there were the usual suspects as well, those who have no skin in the game, want their voices heard, for and against the changing of current church policy.

On my trip to St. Louis I started reading Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus: A Devout Muslim Encounters Christianity by Nabeel Qureshi, a Muslim apologist who converted to Christianity. The book gives us a glimpse into the Muslim world and describes how Qureshi came to embrace Jesus as the Christ.

The juxtaposition of the opening chapters of that book and what I witnessed at GC was astounding. Qureshi and other Muslims have a reverence for Allah that is seldom found in Christianity. In a story of Qureshi praying in a mosque, he struggles with his Muslim faith but is fearful that his doubts and questions will offend Allah even as he voices them in prayer. He is beginning a move toward seeing Jesus as Messiah but worries he may be wrong and in asking this question he is offending the God he was raised to worship.

At GC there were many people sporting rainbow stoles or lobbying for changing the UMC’s current stand on LGBTQ issues as if all it really takes to change this is a little political finesse. Do we really think God is indifferent to these things? We can be so glib and familiar with divine things that we have lost our reverence – or dare I say it – our fear of God.

This stark contrast has caused me no little heaviness in my heart, not because I lack compassion for certain people, but because I have had a glimpse of my own tendency to close my eyes to reverence for God, the Holy One of Israel. How can I say with any confidence that I think God would endorse this or that position without a clear word from Scripture?

Have we depersonalized God from the right and the left? Drs. Scott Kisker and David F. Watson talk about this depersonalized God in this way:

God functions, in a lot of church contexts, not as a person, but as a construct. God is an idea that sort of gives some weight to a set of ethical claims you want to make, instead of being a person who has done things in history for the redemption of humanity.

God is an idea that I need to be able to harness and the church is an institution I need to harness to promote whatever vision of the future I want to bring about.

(Plain Truth Podcast. Dec 17, 2018)

I have personally wrestled with many issues that would have been quickly settled if I could have said, “God is doing a new thing through the Spirit” even though the Scriptures clearly said something different. I guess that is the strength of having a scripturally grounded faith, it keeps me from creating a faith in my image.

I sometimes ask the question, “If the GC votes to travel a path that is not in harmony with Scripture are we to say that God is doing a new thing and we are following the fresh wind of the Spirit, or that we have once again followed a course of action based on political lobbying and left historic Christianity behind?” I also ask, “Would the Spirit of God lead a group in a direction that is contrary to God’s word, and if so, what does that mean for the other ‘truths’ of Scripture we cling to?”

If we have prayed for God to have God’s way in this conference, what happens when a decision is passed which one side or the other believe to be wrong (it will happen) will the side who feels wronged bow and say, “God has spoken,” and submit to that decision? I doubt it. Our whole human race has a long track record of knowing what God desires and going our own way (Gen 3:1-7).

I realize this post may cause more questions than it solves but dealing with questions like these is one way I try to be honest with my faith and hopefully honor God in the process.

Grace

By admin

On March 24, 2016

In Church Life, Navarre UMC, Newsletter Articles, Theoloical Thoughts, Uncategorized

Later this month, I will have the privilege of teaching at our Conference Licensing School. This is a multi-day school which prepares people to receive their first appointments as pastors in our Conference. In fact, Navarre will host one day of the school.

I will be teaching the class on Wesleyan Theology. In preparing for that class, I was reminded of one of the significant contributions of John Wesley to Evangelical theology; the doctrine of grace.

To be sure every denomination and system of theology has an understanding of grace, but Wesley’s unique contribution has stood the test of time and continues to inspire people.

Grace has been popularly defined as “God’s unmerited favor toward us.” That definition deserves to be pondered over and over. By unmerited we mean that this grace is given without regard to any action or achievement on our part. To merit something is to deserve or be worthy of something. God’s favor is bestowed with complete disregard to the recipient’s worth; you might even say, in spite of the recipient’s worth.

To have favor is to show kindness toward someone. When we stand in someone’s favor we stand in a
privileged position. We could be in that position because we have supported the person or because we have benefited the person in some way.

The idea of grace is that through no worth in ourselves God has bestowed his favor on us. There was (is) nothing in us or about us that would cause God to owe us anything. I like to tell people grace means God likes us and there is nothing we can do about it. John Wesley put it this way:

All the blessings which God hath bestowed upon man, are of his mere grace, bounty, or favour; his
free, undeserved favour; favour altogether undeserved; man having no claim to the least of his mercies.[1]

The Book of Discipline of the United Methodist Church, which is the one official guide of United Methodist doctrine says,

“By grace we mean the undeserved, unmerited, and loving action of God in human existence through
the ever-present Holy Spirit.”[2]

That, however, is only the first aspect of grace from a Wesleyan perspective. Wesley said that grace give us the ability to respond to God as well. In other words, God’s favor gives us the ability to do what God requires. Randy Maddox, of Duke Divinity School, calls this “responsible grace.” God gives us the ability to respond and that in turn makes us responsible before God.

Some of the more popular aspects of Wesley’s understanding of grace are found in the ways we experience that grace.

Wesley said that God’s grace works in our lives even before we are conscious of him. We experience this as God’s prevenient grace, the grace that comes before salvation. This grace restores a measure of our free will and a measure of conscience as well. It gives us our first desire to please God. As Randy Maddox would say, it gives us the ability to respond to God.

When we respond to this grace in repentance, God’s grace continues to work in our lives as forgiveness and moves us to accept his pardoning love. Responding to this justifying grace produces a real change in our hearts, we are born again and begin a new relationship with God. We are also given an assurance that we are, in fact, God’s children.

Immediately after the reception of this grace, the Holy Spirit begins to work in our lives leading us to grow in maturity through sanctifying grace. Our experience of grace from this point on leads us to do good works and serve God’s mission in the world with the aim of becoming mature or prefect in
love.

Grace comes to us through many different channels, but some of them Wesley deemed “ordinary means of grace.” These were the normal ways God uses to convey his grace. They included prayer, reading scripture, Holy Communion, Christian fellowship, worship, and fasting. God uses these ordinary means to convey his grace to us. To be sure God is limited in the ways his grace can come to us, but these are the ordinary ways.

We shortly celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, so what do afterwards? I would urge to settle into the ordinary pattern of life by drawing on God’s grace to be come a fully developing follower of Jesus Christ. Seek God out, for if we do he his promise,“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord…” (Jeremiah 29:13–14a [ESV]).

Pastor Alan

[1] John Wesley, The Works of John Wesley, Third Edition., vol. 5 (London: Wesleyan Methodist
Book Room, 1872), 7.

[2] United Methodist Publishing House (2013-01-01). The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church 2012 (Kindle Locations 1806-1807). United Methodist Publishing House. Kindle Edition.

Reflections on the Supreme Court’s Decision on Same-Sex Marriage

By admin

On June 30, 2015

In Church Life, Navarre UMC, Observations, Uncategorized

This past week the Supreme Court announced that gay couples deserved equal treatment with respect to marriage. The reactions to this decision have been varied and filled with emotion. A friend and colleague, Brian Miller tweeted, “We find joy in State rulings. We find despair in State rulings. It has never been & will never be the Kingdom of primary citizenship.”

That is a very important notion to remember. Dr. Tim Tennent, President of Asbury Theological Seminary echoed a similar sentiment in a June 29th Tweet and a June 28th blog post, when he said, “We may no longer expect the state to uphold Christian morality. But we have every right to expect the church to do so.”

As Christians we must understand that we take our lead from Scripture first and foremost. We do not look to the culture to define any moral position for us.
By the same token, we should not be surprised when a civil authority does not uphold our morals for us. Why would we expect such a thing? Throughout history, the Church has been grateful when the civil authorities created laws which coincide with biblical positions, but it has never expected it. The Church through the ages has always looked to Scripture for its moral mandates.

The early church understood they lived in a world that often was hostile to Christian virtues and morals. In Roman society, it was acceptable to expose infants to the elements as a way of discarding unwanted or disabled children. The church, in many instances took these children in and cared for them.

I am reminded of a portion of The Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus (A.D. 130) in which an anonymous disciple tries to explain (in Chapter 5) the manner of life of Christians. He describes the Christian manner of life like this:

As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They marry, as do all [others]; they beget children; but they do not destroy their offspring. They have a common table, but not a common bed. They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all. They are unknown and condemned; they are put to death, and restored to life. They are poor, yet make many rich; they are in lack of all things, and yet abound in all; they are dishonoured, and yet in their very dishonour are glorified.

In the current situation it is important to understand a few important things:

1. The state does not speak for the church
People in non-western countries know this intuitively. They don’t expect the state to prop up their Christian convictions with legislation. In the west there are still many vestiges of civil religion and for the most part that is what Christians depend on. When those vestiges are threatened, angry rhetoric fills social media and the public square. This happens because we expect the state to do what the church should do in its witness. In many nations, the witness of the church is not supported by the state, the church bears witness by itself. When the Church takes its responsibility seriously to bear witness to the truth of Scripture it is fulfilling its mission in the world.

In the U. S. we have tended to let the state bear witness so we would not have to. Then when the state refuses to prop up our notions of morality, we rant and rave about decline of values in America. I wonder what would happen if instead of unleashing angry rhetoric we simply and effectively lived out our values.

2. Nothing changes about the mission of the church.
Ed Stetzer, president of Life Way Research said it this way, “Gay marriage is now legal. The sky has not fallen, churches have not been padlocked, and we must live on mission.” In reality, the decision changes nothing about the mission of the church. We are still to make disciples of Jesus Christ. That is important to remember.
I remember seeing an interview with a Chinese online entrepreneur. He was asked, don’t you worry about that the government’s internet restrictions will hurt your business? He said he chose to focus on the things he could do and not on the things he couldn’t do.

The same sentiment exists in churches all over the world who are persecuted for their faith. In the face of persecution, the church is still the church and the church bears witness to Jesus Christ who is the Lord of the world. The Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent us from doing what God has called us to do, bearing witness to Jesus Christ.

3. The Law of the land is not necessarily the moral vision of the NT
The Early church understood this better than we do. In the Roman empire there were many acceptable practices that the early church found unethical. Whether it was same sex relationships, the exposure of infants, slavery, prostitution, or gladiatorial games. The church found itself in a society that accepted practices which flew in the face of their moral understandings. Yet, as the church lived out its commitment to the moral vision of Scripture, they bore witness to a different way of life and had a profound impact on society. And the same thing can happen today. What if we expended the same amount energy on making our marriages and relationship better as we expended decrying the fact that the state doesn’t support our moral vision?

As Christians we cannot expect the state to uphold our moral values, so we should not be surprised when the state creates laws that are in conflict with the moral principles we hold. In a fallen, world it is vitally important that we as Christians live out a New Testament morality. We don’t do it, not to transform society, we do it because we have made Jesus Christ the Lord of our lives. And just maybe, by doing that we will make a difference even in a fallen world.

Pastor Alan

Hello world!

By admin

On April 16, 2014

In Uncategorized

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

2013 Christmas Letter

By admin

On December 25, 2013

In Uncategorized

This year has been a remarkable year full of blessings of many kinds: health, enough, love, laughter, family, friends. Penny and I have continued our ministry in Navarre, Florida: preaching, teaching, singing, praying, enduring and loving.

Penny continues to work from home and on the road (providing Alan some alone time, then he really likes it when Penny comes home!).

On April 15th Alan went into the hospital to have an aneurism repaired on his ascending aorta. It was a very complicated surgery and a longer recovery than Alan wanted, but he is back to full strength and working hard again.

This year also marks the five years for Penny being cancer free. After two surgeries, and 3 rounds of chemotherapy, her ovarian cancer has disappeared; praise God!

This spring we welcomed another grandchild to our family. Callie Paige Hart was born to Charity and JD on June 22. This brings our total to 6 and one on the way. That’s right; Jared was married in September. He and Asheia are expecting their first child later in the spring. Jared has re-enlisted in the Air Force and is looking forward to new opportunities. Penny’s son, Ron, married Amelia, April 1st in Navarre (they live in KY). They have 2 kids. Penny’s daughter, Rose is working night shift at a nursing home and loves it.

The ministry highlight on the year was our mission trip to South Africa. Penny and I traveled with about 13 others from our church to Orange Farm, South Africa, about an hour south of Johannesburg. On this trip, Alan preached a six night revival and did some devotions and a motivational talk at some of the primary schools in the area. Souls were saved-24 people that we know. We provided a “vacation bible school” after school. One day we had about 800-1000 kids! We visited a Rhino and Lion Preserve and petted lion cubs.

We pray that you have a blessed new year.

Alan and Penny

South Africa 2

By admin

On October 29, 2013

In Uncategorized

During the Sunday morning worship service, we gathered with the people of Christian Revival Ministries. We had been working in their community for four days and had come to appreciate all that God was doing through them in the community.

But during the service, I got a tremendous shock. The pastor told the congregation that our coming to this community was, “a direct intervention of God.” Later Pastor Josiah’s wife Mary welcomed us and told the congregation that one day she was praying and she said, God what have we done to deserve this team coming to us?” She then told us, “We do not want you to feel at home, but to be at home!”

I just sat there in the congregation in a kind of stunned, humble silence. How could we be a direct intervention of God? How could we measure up to being the kind of blessing they saw us to be?

I have prayed many times, “Lord if I can be the answer to someone else’s prayer I willing give my self to you.” And now it was happening! All I can tell you is that at that moment I wanted to do everything I could to serve and preach the best I could for these people. If I, and the rest of the team, were a direct intervention of God, I wanted to measure up to that billing.

I often remember hearing people say things like, “Well we don’t have to try real hard to make sure things are done well, because after all it is only the church.” I heard people say that about music in worship, Christmas performances and even outreach events – and it makes me cringe. If we are doing things for God, shouldn’t we give it our best effort? Shouldn’t we strive for excellence instead of just slopping through?

These days in South Africa have reminded me that no matter what I do, I am part of God’s answer to someone’s prayer – and that deserves my best, today and every day.

Fighting Fair

By admin

On February 13, 2011

In Uncategorized

As some psychologists tell us, it is not that happy couples do not have conflict, but that happy couples know how to handle and resolve conflict.

Below you will find some help for fighting fair. Below these you will find several websites which I used as reference for these points along with a process to resolve conflict.

1. Face your fear of confrontation

2. Keep your fight between the two of you.

Don’t bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.

3. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible

Don’t let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight.
• If you are angry about something and don’t try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go.
• If your spouse doesn’t want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
• Avoiding or ignoring an issue your partner feels is important
• Gunny sacking – saving up little hurts and hostilities then dumping them on your partner all at once
• Don’t bring up an issue at time embarrassing to partner
Don’t give them “the silent treatment"

4. State exactly what is bothering you

Fighting fair means you know what the issue is.
Stick to the subject at hand
Fighting fair means you don’t bring up past history.
Fighting fair means you don’t blame one another make accusations.
Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences. “I” statements as a way to show you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
Deal with partner’s behavior, not his/her personality.
Attack the issue, not the person. Name-calling puts people in a position to respond angrily and defensively. This is usually used when a person feels he is losing. Name-calling breaks down communication and destroys trust in the relationship.
Don’t argue about details. Avoid exchanges like, “You were 20 minutes late,” “No, I was only 13 minutes late.” (An easy way to distract from the problem.)

5. If they say you do, then it’s true

Perception is reality. How is it that your partner sees things so differently from you?
Do not invalidate perceptions or emotions
Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.

6. Avoid generalizing

Don’t use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another
No one always or never does anything
Don’t make comparisons to other people, stereotypes, or situations.
Don’t involve other people’s opinions of the situation (e.g.: “John’s mother agrees with me.”) The only opinions which are relevant are those of the two attempting to communicate at the time.
Don’t make threats (e.g., “Do this or else!”). Threats back people into a corner and they may choose the ultimatum in order to save face. You may find later you really do not want to carry out your threat.

7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination

Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
Belittling partner or issues
Assuming partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven’t said anything
Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
No finger pointing or yelling
No talk of Divorce. In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
Don’t use the following: swearing, denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm, or taunting.
Don’t belittling each other’s accomplishments. No matter how small or odd they may be.

8. Listen to learn

Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
Don’t interrupt during your fight.
Cross-complaining; responding to partner’s initial complaint with one of your own
Ignoring partner
Try to deal with the other person’s perceptions of the situation as well as your own. Be aware of his/her feelings as well as your own. Check to see whether what you heard is really what the other person is trying to express, and ask him to let you know what she hears you saying.
Take a breather by paraphrasing what you think you heard them saying. “I understand you want to tell me about your day but I need a few minutes to finish what I am doing.” This gives you time to think about your response.
Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word “why.” That puts people on the defensive — and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.
Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise, speculate, make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your partner means. Find out!

9. Ending an argument well

Having physical safety valves for excess emotion (Jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.).
Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
Be ready to forgive.
If the fight isn’t resolved right now, make an appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim solutions.
If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression of positive feelings that you’ve worked together successfully.
Don’t pretend to go along, or to agree when you really don’t
Don’t withhold affections or breaking previous agreements
Don’t continue with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution

10. Confront to heal, not to win

Remember don’t fight to win; fight for your relationship

Sources:

Fighting the Fair Way

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/fighting.shtml

How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage – – Conflict Management in Marriage

http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

http://www.lifetoolsforwomen.com/f/fight-fair.htm

Conflict Resolution Process from Prepare/Enrich