Reflect and Renew

The Blog of Pastor Alan Cassady

Prejudice

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On August 7, 2012

In Discipleship, Observations, Relationships

prejudice_is_ignoranceWhen I was in high school that word had one basic connotation – racial prejudice. In the deep south the emotions ran deep and often erupted in violence. I would often hear people say things like, “He’s black, but he is a good worker.” right away you could tell what side of the racial divide the speaker was on.

I have recently discovered that prejudice extends to other areas as well. Even people who are educated and progressive often operate out of stereotypes and prejudice rather than listening to what a person is really saying. “Oh, they are only saying that because they are _________________” (fill in the blank with Liberal, Republican, Latino, Conservative, etc.) Not necessarily.

In politics, if you don’t agree with the party in power, you are partisan and just making political decisions. If some one uses a specified code word, they are automatically in lock step with the worst imaginable element of society that just happens to use that word as well.

If a person questions a particular interpretation of Scripture, that person is automatically accused of either liberalism or fundamentalism, depending on the topic, and then all of the negative assumptions about the extremes are attributed to that person. This really makes honest discourse difficult.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have been on both sides of this prejudice. I have made snap judgments and snap judgments have been made about me. When I have been on the “victim” side of the equation I find myself wondering, “how did they get that from what I said?” The answers is preconceived perceptions.

I think the only way to counter this tendency in all of us remember some very important things:

  1. Remain open minded and don’t assume the worse. If you disagree with a person’s position on an issue, seek understanding. Don’t automatically assume you know the person’s complete position, simple because they use a particular word that other more radical persons might use.
  2. Remain teachable. We could all be wrong! Just because I have deeply held beliefs does not mean I am correct. When disagreements occur deal with the issues and evidence—don’t commit the genetic fallacy which condemns a view because of where it came from.
  3. Remain humble. None of us are as smart as we would like to think and all of us have huge gaping holes in our understandings. The only way I know of to keep learning is to be humble enough to examine the evidence. that goes for “yellow dog Democrats” and “Red dog Republicans.”
  4. Seek the truth no matter what. The issue is not, “can I argue the other person into submission,” but am I authentically seeking the truth. If I honestly seek the truth, I may discover that many of my pet views are based more on little more than emotion or political correctness. This point has come home as I have watched all the political rhetoric recently. No matter what news show you watch, the bias is very evident and the real causality is the truth.

Homosexuality and Hermeunitics

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On June 29, 2012

In Discipleship, Interpretation, Theoloical Thoughts

I have taken a long break from posting, but I am ready to begin again.

One of the things that has been quite disturbing to watch in my beloved UMC is the way Scripture has been handled in the debate over the issue of homosexual behavior.

People who know better often throw out scriptural red herrings in an effort to cloud the point. For example I have hear people say things like, “Well if you are going to take Leviticus literally, you will have to kill your teenager when they back talk you.”

Many of the people who make such statements ought to know better. For the most part, these people have theological Master’s degrees and have had training in biblical interpretation and yet they make statements which clearly demonstrate they lack even a basic understanding biblical hermeneutics.

The same people point out that Jesus never said anything about homosexual behavior and use that to justify that behavior. then when Paul explicitly forbids that behavior they claim he was not referring to committed same sex relationships.

Here are the problems I see with such arguments:

  1. Leviticus speaks to a particular context. In this context, God is attempting to bring a people a little further down the road than they were. God wanted them to be a holy people – not like the people around them. In the chapter which forbids homosexual behavior, God also forbids incest, bestiality and child sacrifice. In addition, the admonition to stone a son who curses his parents refers not to profanity, but to invoke a foreign god’s name to curse his parents.
  2. Jesus, indeed, never said anything specifically about homosexual behavior – he didn’t have to! he was a Jew speaking primarily to Jews. They had a common morality. When Jesus opponents tried to circumvent that morality with elaborate legal schemes he called them on it. By the way, Jesus never said anything about incest, bestiality or child sacrifice, does that mean these are acceptable?
  3. Paul mentions homosexual behavior, because as he spread the gospel to the Gentiles, he needed to talk about it because this behavior was acceptable and even celebrated in the Roman world. So, just has God had tell the people, “don’t be like the nations around you,” Paul had to say the same things to the Gentiles who were responding to the message of the gospel.

The gospel – the good news of Jesus Christ – is open to “whosoever will” but for those who accept the invitation a commitment is required. Commitment is to align their lives with the life of Jesus Christ. That means that sinner – liars, gossips, adulterers, murders, those involved with pornography, slanderers, those who practice pre-marital sex and homosexual sex have a choice to make: do I choose to follow my own desires or those of my Lord and Savior?

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

– Matthew 7:13–14 (ESV)

Do people struggle with behaviors which lead to sin? Of course, we all do. but the answer to that struggle is not to baptize it and call it acceptable, but to speak the truth and support those who are trying to align their lives with the life of Jesus Christ. Except, perhaps those who are struggling with rape and murder.

Dr. Ben Witherington, III has an excellent video which addresses the biblical material on this matter.

Fear and Pride–Lead like Jesus

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On May 5, 2011

In Devotions, Leadership

I have been simply amazed at how appropriate The Lead Like Jesus Devotional have been for me the last few Months. Here is another one I wanted to share with you.

DAY 119 | April 29, 2011

Fear and pride distort our ability to see the world from God’s perspective. When our own interests loom larger than God, our thinking becomes too narrow; focusing solely on other people can lead to worry. We need God’s Spirit and His truth to bring clarity to our vision and perspective to our thinking if we are to see as He sees and lead like Jesus. What difference will seeking God’s perspective make in your life today?

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path…. The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. Psalm 119:105, 130

Prayer

Lord, I confess that fear and pride cloud my vision. Thank You that Your words bring light and understanding when I look at the world from Your perspective. Help me to see beyond myself and see others as You see them. Most of all, help me see You in every situation, so that I can lead like Jesus. In Your Name, Amen.

About Moving

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On May 2, 2011

In Church Life, Observations, Woodbine Methodist Church

This is the post I didn’t want to write. However, sometimes I need to write to see what I am thinking.

Moving is almost always a difficult thing for me. I pour so much of myself into my current appointment that it is very hard to let go, especially when there have been so many successes and milestones. Such is the case with Woodbine. At Woodbine:

  • I have grown a great deal as a preacher and communicator
  • I have learned much about leadership and administration (I still do not like administration but I can do it better)
  • I have built great relationships and have mentored and been mentored by people here.
  • I have learned to be a much better pastoral counselor.
  • I have learned to back away from things and not feel guilty, or should I say I am getting better at it.
  • I have learned to use technology more effectively (Ben would say I am not a real Jedi master until I get a Mac).
  • I have learned to rely on the gifts of many great lay people and I have been inspired by them as well.
  • I have learned what teamwork is by working with great leaders and a great staff.

These are just some of the reasons I hate leaving this place, but I have answered the call to ministry in the United Methodist Church and the appointment system is the system we use to provide pastoral leadership to our congregations.

My daughter said it best. She was having a conversation with a co-worker who just could not understand why a Methodist minister could be sent to another church when her pastor was called to her church. Charity said, “My dad is called to the ministry, and not to a particular church.” In the end that is it, I am called by God to serve God and his people wherever the Bishop sends me.

My grandfather used to constantly remind me that Baptist ministers are called and Methodist ministers are sent (implying that Methodists were sent by people and not God). One day after I had heard that over and over again I finally said, “Papa Methodists are called too, the difference is Baptists are called my the local church and Methodists are called by God.” I never heard that phrase again from him.

I am called by God with certain gifts and abilities and so is the person who will come after me in this wonderful place called Woodbine. I wonder what the future holds for each of us.

So what about the future? I will have to write about that later.

A Leadership Devotional

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On April 15, 2011

In Devotions, Discipleship, Leadership

This devotional thought comes from Ken Blanchard’s “Lead Like Jesus” email devotional. It was worth sharing with you all!

Click the image below to go to the website and sign up for these devotions and other information.

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DAY 105 | April 15, 2011

What does God expect of you as a leader? He doesn’t keep it a secret. First and foremost, He asks for your wholehearted devotion, a devotion that flows out in a life of obedience, love and service. He looks for men and women who fear Him alone, who do what He tells them to do, and who serve Him wholeheartedly. As God seeks someone for His next leadership assignment, will He find someone who meets His requirements when He looks at you?

And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good? Deuteronomy 10:12-13

Prayer

Lord, I want to be a leader You can use, like Moses, like Jesus. Shape my heart and my soul to meet your standards. Help me keep first things first today, fearing, loving and serving You, walking in Your ways and observing Your commands. Thank You for remaking me in Jesus’ image. In Jesus; Name, Amen.

The Long Silence

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On April 4, 2011

In Sermons, Woodbine Methodist Church

This is the story I shared in the sermon” The Cross: Suffering” on 4-3-11

At the end of time, billions of people were seated on a great plain before God’s throne. Most shrank back from the brilliant light before them. But some groups near the front talked heatedly, not cringing with cringing shame – but with belligerence.

“Can God judge us? How can He know about suffering?,” snapped a pert young brunette. She ripped open a sleeve to reveal a tattooed number from a Nazi concentration camp. “We endured terror … beatings … torture … death!”

In another group a Negro boy lowered his collar. “What about this?” he demanded, showing an ugly rope burn. “Lynched, for no crime but being black!”

In another crowd there was a pregnant schoolgirl with sullen eyes: “Why should I suffer?” she murmured. “It wasn’t my fault.” Far out across the plain were hundreds of such groups. Each had a complaint against God for the evil and suffering He had permitted in His world.

How lucky God was to live in Heaven, where all was sweetness and light. Where there was no weeping or fear, no hunger or hatred. What did God know of all that man had been forced to endure in this world? For God leads a pretty sheltered life, they said.

So, each of these groups sent forth their leader, chosen because he had suffered the most: a Jew, a Negro, a person from Hiroshima, a horribly deformed arthritic, a thalidomide child. In the center of the vast plain, they consulted with each other. At last they were ready to present their case. It was rather clever.

Before God could be qualified to be their judge, He must endure what they had endured. Their decision was that God should be sentenced to live on earth as a man.

Let him be born a Jew. Let the legitimacy of his birth be doubted. Give him a work so difficult that even his family will think him out of his mind.

Let him be betrayed by his closest friends. Let him face false charges, be tried by a prejudiced jury and convicted by a cowardly judge. Let him be tortured.

At the last, let him see what it means to be terribly alone. Then let him die so there can be no doubt he died. Let there be a great host of witnesses to verify it.

As each leader announced his portion of the sentence, loud murmurs of approval went up from the throng of people assembled. When the last had finished pronouncing sentence, there was a long silence. No one uttered a word. No one moved.

For suddenly, all knew that God had already served His sentence.

Taken from John Stott’s The Cross of Christ no reference cited.

…and heaven too!

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On March 20, 2011

In Observations, Relationships, Theoloical Thoughts

I had an interesting conversation with a physician on Saturday. I went in for some help with my allergies. As I always do I took a book with me to read while Ia waited.

My conversation with this physician lasted all of 1 minute (you know what it is like in the examining room). After he gave me some prescriptions he asked my why I was a Christian since there were all kinds of religions out there. I said that I had come to believe that Christianity was true. He asked, “How can you say that when people of other religions claim that their way is true, after all they are all just people who think they something about God"?

I said that a lot of people have notions about the world and God, but they can’t all be true. Some people think you can cure diabetes with roots and herbs, but that doesn’t mean it is true. I have come to see that the worldview of the Bible is the only one that makes sense out of life and if you always seek the truth you will find it leads you to Christ.

He asked another question which is the motivation for this post: “Why do you want to go to heaven, when you get there, there is nothing to do?”

That is the one thing that most people boil Christianity down to, going to heaven. We go to heaven, preach the gospel and spend all kinds of money so we can get people into heaven.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to go to heaven and I agree with Paul that, “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied” (1 Cor 15:19).

But I am a Christian not just because of heaven. I am a Christian because of what Christ has done in me and because of what he makes possible in this world. I am a Christian because

  • I have been freed from the guilt of my past and given a new life
  • Through Christ every relationship in my life can be better
  • Through Christ I can offer hope to others
  • Through Christ I can be healed in many spheres of my life
  • The Christian worldview makes the most sense of the world
  • It lifts up the dignity of every human being
  • Because it is true

I am a Christian for all of these reasons and more and in addition to all of this there is heaven too!!

WordPress Tags: heaven,conversation,physician,allergies,room,prescriptions,Christian,kinds,religions,notions,Some,herbs,Bible,life,truth,Christ,motivation,money,Paul,guilt,Through,relationship,spheres,addition,worldview

The Brady Bunch

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On March 7, 2011

In Relationships, Sermons

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The Brady Bunch made Blended families look easy, but we know better.

The following is a few pointer from my final sermon in the series, All in the Family.

At the end of the post is the link to a website which is very helpful and also some pointers from my wife Penny.

Marriage and Remarriage Statistics

• Statistically, 40% of first marriages, 60% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

• 38 of every 100 marriages today is a remarriage for one or both partners.  Of the remarriages, 23 are a remarriage for both persons

• At least two-thirds of stepfamily couples divorce (Hetherington, For Better for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002).

• About 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry.  (U.S. Census, 2006)

• Most couples in stepfamilies don’t seek premarital preparation.

Cohabitation Stats

Many couples resort to living together to avoid the problems of marriage, it doesn’t work. When the break-up occurs you still have all of the emotional pain of divorce. Studies have shown that cohabitation:

  • Increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. Why?
    • The same characteristics that make certain people most likely to enter cohabitation also make them most likely to divorce.
    • They generally have individualistic attitudes that make them less committed to marital union in the first place and more likely to seek divorce
    • They are conditioned to accept divorce more readily.
  • Increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
  • Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.
  • One study found only about 12% of cohabitations are expected to last ten years. 90% of first marriages are expected to last this long
  • The majority of cohabitation relationships terminate within three years.

Children of Divorce and Remarriage

  • 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and, thus, form stepfamilies.
  • More than 1 million children are affected by divorce each year (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006).
  • 40% of children will witness their parents divorce before reaching adulthood (Amato, 2000).
  • Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood. (Discovery Health Website)

Many people think that if they are having problems in their marriage, divorce is the answer, again and again. In most of those cases, they end up divorcing again because they never dealt with their own issues in the divorce. People naturally assume that the divorce was the other person’s fault and never face their own contribution to the break up.

Given that 75% of people who divorce will re-marry what can we do to build better blended families?

Wisdom from Penny

  • PRAY Pray Pray & listen
  • When moving into a house hold
    • Make changes slowly
    • Try to keep the same traditions-holidays and birthdays while creating some new ones
    • Get others input when moving things
  • When someone is moving into your household
    • Let them have some space that is theirs . No one wants to feel like a visitor at their home
  • Concerning Discipline
    • BEFORE marriage Discuss discipline styles with spouse to be. Come to agreement on how you together will handle discipline,
    • Extremely important- If you cannot agree before marriage, it is unlikely you will afterward. You may need to consider postponing marriage. Never go into a marriage expecting to change someone.
    • BEFORE the Marriage Learn about the children, spend time with them at their current house
    • I recommend having the Parent (not step parent) handle any consequences of bad behavior. This of course may vary depending on age of the kids.
    • If you disagree about the consequences never say that in front of the children
  • Respect
    • Respect the pain the kids have –they did not cause nor deserve the disruption of their family
    • Never disrespect the ex-spouse
    • Encourage/support the kids relationship with the Ex and their side of family
    • Don’t be jealous
    • Don’t manipulate
    • Apologize- there will be time when you mess up, make mistakes
  • Security is a big issue when children have experienced divorce or death in the family.
    • Understand that the children need the security of a loving home

Successful Step-Families website

In-Laws and Out-Laws

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On March 1, 2011

In Family, Relationships, Sermons

Here are the suggestions I spoke about in the sermon All in the Family: In-Laws and Out-Laws along with a link to the articles I used. The Scriptural Context is Romans 12:14-21

Guidelines for Relationships with In-Laws

For both

  • Exhibit Christian character and civility (These are the basics owed to everyone)
  • Respect each other
    • Respect is due regard for the feelings or rights of another
    • Ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say going to encourage and build up the other person, or tear him or her down?"
  • “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” yes even with in-laws.
  • Be considerate. Have the courage to admit it when you are wrong. Avoid ridicule and don’t humiliate or demean the other person.
  • Accept kindness from others and let others be nice to you.
  • 1 Cor 13 is not just for weddings

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (ESV) — 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  • Be proactive. Do what you can to build the relationship.
  • Refocus your perspective by looking for the positive.
    • When you keep civility a high priority in your extended family relationships, it becomes easier to focus on another effective way of dealing with anger and frustration — remaining calm.
  • Accept reality.

For the couple

  • Support one another, your loyalties are to each other not to your parents. Don’t side with your parents against your spouse.
  • There will be conflict! How you handle it is key.
  • Honor the parents
    • Show patience, kindness, gentleness. You may not even like them, but you need to choose to act in a loving manner toward them.
  • Respect and Honor does not mean
    • You submerge all your own feelings, desires, preferences, and needs in the service of
    • "Doing things their way."
    • You must permit them to disrespect, control, or manipulate you for their own selfish ends.
    • Obeying all their "parental" requests or requirements— which, in some instances with some in-laws, may get pretty crazy.
  • Sometimes the most honoring response is to diplomatically but firmly say, "No." Letting in-laws split, manipulate, or control you by silently acceding to their nutty, neurotic, inappropriate demands isn’t necessarily showing Christian love.
  • Don’t disrespect and criticize your parents or in-laws in front of your children

For parents

  • Don’t give advice unless the young couple specifically asks for it. Even if they ask your opinion, be careful how the counsel is given. The decision is theirs.
  • Don’t offer financial aid unless the young couple explicitly requests it. It is important for the couple to establish their independence – emotionally and financially. As difficult as it may be to watch your child and his or her spouse face financial struggles, realize that those trials are valuable for them as they develop their life together.
  • Don’t make the holidays a nightmare. You have traditions and so do the other in-laws. To conform to your wishes means disappointing the others. “Do unto others….”
  • Don’t expect the new couple to live according to your standards and values. They are individuals starting their own home.
  • Let go of your offspring, giving the couple room to live their own lives. Don’t expect them to spend excessive amounts of time with you.
  • Take a genuine interest in your new in-law as a person. Try to find out about his or her interests. Attempt to relate to your in-law in a meaningful way and on his or her terms.
  • · Don’t treat your in-law as a rival who has stolen your child’s love. Welcome the new addition into your family – you’ll multiply the love, rather than divide it.

Conclusion

In Romans 12 Paul gives us some very good advice, not Just in how to conduct ourselves in the church but in every relationship.

  • Don’t think more of yourself than you should
  • We all have a contribution to make
  • Use the gifts you were given to encourage others
  • Let love be genuine
  • Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
  • Outdo one another in showing honor.
  • Be passionate about your service to the Lord
  • Be hopeful and patient
  • Always pray
  • Help others
  • Don’t take revenge on others or be underhanded in your criticism.
  • Empathize with others

However the most important advice he gave was this:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

  • If possible…
    • With some it may not be possible
    • Some people are small minded and self-centered
  • So far as it depends on you…
    • Be open minded – you could be wrong
    • Guard you own reactions and anger, they may be in appropriate
    • Control the things that you can control
    • Live your convictions, but don’t expect others to, or even agree with them
    • Show love and Christian character even when people don’t deserve it. (you don’t either)(that is grace)
    • In other words, be led by the Spirit
  • Live peaceably with all…
    • The goal in every relationship: harmony

Articles Click here for articles from Focus on the Family

Fighting Fair

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On February 13, 2011

In Uncategorized

As some psychologists tell us, it is not that happy couples do not have conflict, but that happy couples know how to handle and resolve conflict.

Below you will find some help for fighting fair. Below these you will find several websites which I used as reference for these points along with a process to resolve conflict.

1. Face your fear of confrontation

2. Keep your fight between the two of you.

  • Don’t bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.

3. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible

  • Don’t let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight.
  • • If you are angry about something and don’t try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go.
  • • If your spouse doesn’t want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
  • • Avoiding or ignoring an issue your partner feels is important
  • • Gunny sacking – saving up little hurts and hostilities then dumping them on your partner all at once
  • • Don’t bring up an issue at time embarrassing to partner
  • Don’t give them “the silent treatment"

4. State exactly what is bothering you

  • Fighting fair means you know what the issue is.
  • Stick to the subject at hand
  • Fighting fair means you don’t bring up past history.
  • Fighting fair means you don’t blame one another make accusations.
  • Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences. “I” statements as a way to show you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
  • Deal with partner’s behavior, not his/her personality.
  • Attack the issue, not the person. Name-calling puts people in a position to respond angrily and defensively. This is usually used when a person feels he is losing. Name-calling breaks down communication and destroys trust in the relationship.
  • Don’t argue about details. Avoid exchanges like, “You were 20 minutes late,” “No, I was only 13 minutes late.” (An easy way to distract from the problem.)

5. If they say you do, then it’s true

  • Perception is reality. How is it that your partner sees things so differently from you?
  • Do not invalidate perceptions or emotions
  • Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
  • Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.

6. Avoid generalizing

  • Don’t use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another
  • No one always or never does anything
  • Don’t make comparisons to other people, stereotypes, or situations.
  • Don’t involve other people’s opinions of the situation (e.g.: “John’s mother agrees with me.”) The only opinions which are relevant are those of the two attempting to communicate at the time.
  • Don’t make threats (e.g., “Do this or else!”). Threats back people into a corner and they may choose the ultimatum in order to save face. You may find later you really do not want to carry out your threat.

7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination

  • Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
  • Belittling partner or issues
  • Assuming partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven’t said anything
  • Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
  • No finger pointing or yelling
  • No talk of Divorce. In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
  • Don’t use the following: swearing, denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm, or taunting.
  • Don’t belittling each other’s accomplishments. No matter how small or odd they may be.

8. Listen to learn

  • Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
  • Don’t interrupt during your fight.
  • Cross-complaining; responding to partner’s initial complaint with one of your own
  • Ignoring partner
  • Try to deal with the other person’s perceptions of the situation as well as your own. Be aware of his/her feelings as well as your own. Check to see whether what you heard is really what the other person is trying to express, and ask him to let you know what she hears you saying.
  • Take a breather by paraphrasing what you think you heard them saying. “I understand you want to tell me about your day but I need a few minutes to finish what I am doing.” This gives you time to think about your response.
  • Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word “why.” That puts people on the defensive — and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.
  • Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise, speculate, make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your partner means. Find out!

9. Ending an argument well

  • Having physical safety valves for excess emotion (Jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.).
  • Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
  • Be ready to forgive.
  • If the fight isn’t resolved right now, make an appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim solutions.
  • If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression of positive feelings that you’ve worked together successfully.
  • Don’t pretend to go along, or to agree when you really don’t
  • Don’t withhold affections or breaking previous agreements
  • Don’t continue with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution

10. Confront to heal, not to win

  • Remember don’t fight to win; fight for your relationship

Sources:

Fighting the Fair Way

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/fighting.shtml

How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage – – Conflict Management in Marriage

http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

http://www.lifetoolsforwomen.com/f/fight-fair.htm

Conflict Resolution Process from Prepare/Enrich

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