The Brady Bunch made Blended families look easy, but we know better.
The following is a few pointer from my final sermon in the series, All in the Family.
At the end of the post is the link to a website which is very helpful and also some pointers from my wife Penny.
Marriage and Remarriage Statistics
• Statistically, 40% of first marriages, 60% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.
• 38 of every 100 marriages today is a remarriage for one or both partners. Of the remarriages, 23 are a remarriage for both persons
• At least two-thirds of stepfamily couples divorce (Hetherington, For Better for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002).
• About 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry. (U.S. Census, 2006)
• Most couples in stepfamilies don’t seek premarital preparation.
Cohabitation Stats
Many couples resort to living together to avoid the problems of marriage, it doesn’t work. When the break-up occurs you still have all of the emotional pain of divorce. Studies have shown that cohabitation:
- Increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. Why?
- The same characteristics that make certain people most likely to enter cohabitation also make them most likely to divorce.
- They generally have individualistic attitudes that make them less committed to marital union in the first place and more likely to seek divorce
- They are conditioned to accept divorce more readily.
- Increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
- Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.
- One study found only about 12% of cohabitations are expected to last ten years. 90% of first marriages are expected to last this long
- The majority of cohabitation relationships terminate within three years.
Children of Divorce and Remarriage
- 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and, thus, form stepfamilies.
- More than 1 million children are affected by divorce each year (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006).
- 40% of children will witness their parents divorce before reaching adulthood (Amato, 2000).
- Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood. (Discovery Health Website)
Many people think that if they are having problems in their marriage, divorce is the answer, again and again. In most of those cases, they end up divorcing again because they never dealt with their own issues in the divorce. People naturally assume that the divorce was the other person’s fault and never face their own contribution to the break up.
Given that 75% of people who divorce will re-marry what can we do to build better blended families?
Wisdom from Penny
- PRAY Pray Pray & listen
- When moving into a house hold
- Make changes slowly
- Try to keep the same traditions-holidays and birthdays while creating some new ones
- Get others input when moving things
- When someone is moving into your household
- Let them have some space that is theirs . No one wants to feel like a visitor at their home
- Concerning Discipline
- BEFORE marriage Discuss discipline styles with spouse to be. Come to agreement on how you together will handle discipline,
- Extremely important- If you cannot agree before marriage, it is unlikely you will afterward. You may need to consider postponing marriage. Never go into a marriage expecting to change someone.
- BEFORE the Marriage Learn about the children, spend time with them at their current house
- I recommend having the Parent (not step parent) handle any consequences of bad behavior. This of course may vary depending on age of the kids.
- If you disagree about the consequences never say that in front of the children
- Respect
- Respect the pain the kids have –they did not cause nor deserve the disruption of their family
- Never disrespect the ex-spouse
- Encourage/support the kids relationship with the Ex and their side of family
- Don’t be jealous
- Don’t manipulate
- Apologize- there will be time when you mess up, make mistakes
- Security is a big issue when children have experienced divorce or death in the family.
- Understand that the children need the security of a loving home